Friday, July 10, 2015

Dear Nani

My dear Nani, we truly miss you!

Dear Nani,

How are you?
How is Heaven like? I hope there's lots of chocolate?
It's been four years today since you left and we talk about you all the time. What would Nani do if she was here, if Nani was here she'd totally say this, Nani this, Nani that. Yep! You're there in our hearts like you never left.

Speaking of which I had some complaining to do. First, why didn't you stay to bless me on all my milestones like you did with Abbie? I could have really used your hugs when I graduated. There was nobody to tell mama, "iski shaadi karwa do ab." Also, you never stayed to taste my cooking! I'm pretty upset about that you know? I wanted you to taste when I first cooked and then pat my head and smile in approval like you did the first time Abbie cooked for you. I wanted you to tell me if my attempt to copy your Namak Paray was good enough. Or maybe something fabulous about my baking?

Your young age that I never got to see! So jealous of Abbie!

I hope you can see me well enough from there. Do I look fat from that angle, though?
I hope you can smell the delicious stuff when I'm cooking. I hope you can see the awesomeness I bake up from time to time. Oh and of course, I'll be making Namak Paray today to remember you happily!

God, I miss you Nani!
I wish I had grown up sooner so I could have made more memories with you. Honestly it makes me jealous when Abbie keeps talking about times when you were young and healthy. How come she gets to remember everything? But never mind, I have some of the most fabulous memories with you that bring a smile to my face every time.

Remember when we used to come over on weekends? I traveled so much and still can't find that 'chocolate halwa' taste anywhere. Oh by the way, I did finally manage to find out it wasn't chocolate, so the secret's out!

You had magic within you. Omg, were you a witch in a muggle family?! Now that I think of it it sounds kind of logical. Did you attend Hogwarts? Yeah ... I grew up to be a little crazy, don't worry!
Remember when you used to fry fresh Namak Paray for us whenever we visited? Nobody can beat that taste. And oh my dear Lord the Shakar Paray you made ... the crunchy sugary goodness needs to be in mouth right now! Seriously, mama should have saved some of your recipes!

Oh and she's making me do lots of housework by the way, please scold her! Haha! Also, please speak with God about all these bullies and crazy ass people trying to make my life a living Hell. Tell Him to make them go away please because I'm honestly sick of them all. I wonder how you tolerated everybody and stayed so peaceful! I never heard you badmouthing anybody when you had all the right to, given the horrible people you met in your life. Wow, you are one strong woman. I wish I could be like you. I try to be, am I doing a good job?

You teaching us Namaz ...

Anyway, where were we? Yes. We were remembering the good times. I remember when you moved in with us; it was such a treat! I could see you all day even when you were sleeping. I wish you'd been healthier when you moved in, we would have had so much fun! The very few Quran lessons you gave me were so precious. Sorry I made you strain your eyes though, when you were having trouble reading. I didn't know! Oh by the way, I finally got prescribed glasses too, so that's everyone in the family now.

Then there were Eid festivals and birthdays when I'd wait for you to wake up so I could get some extra comfy hugs and blessings from you. You used to sit there waiting for us to come and meet you in the morning. I remember the smile you used to have on your face. You are so adorable, I swear! And then you used to ask mama to give us some gift money as a birthday gift or Eidee from your account that she managed back then. You know she never gave it to us? Hahahaha! She used to tell you she gave it but she never did. But that's okay. That smile, hug, and your blessings were nothing compared to a birthday gift or Eidee money.

Cutting my cake with you ...

You were the only grandparent I ever had and you left so soon. Thank God I got to take care of you when you were gracefully ageing and not feeling your best. Cancer really must have hurt, right? But you never complained. You never cried in pain. You never got cranky because you were hurting. You were always smiling. In fact I don't think I ever saw you without a smile, except when I saw you for the very last time days before you left me ...

Remember the laddoos I used to scold you to eat? It was just a playful scolding, of course .. sorry! But if I hadn't forced you you wouldn't have eaten thanks to all the nausea you had. I still remember forcing you. I still remember feeding you with my hands, wriggling the jelly in your face so you'd laugh. You didn't want to laugh though, right? You just laughed because you didn't want to hurt my feelings. I think you ate because you didn't want to say no to me too. Is that right? You were so kind Nani. Nobody is as kind as you were ... I miss you so much.

I miss you so so so much always. But especially today when it is the day you left me. I wish I could just get to hug you one more time ... see you smile one more time ... hear your voice one more time. The memory of you sitting there and smiling is still so fresh, I can't believe it has been four whole years! Wow. And that last time when I met you, could you hear me? Could you see me? Sorry I cried. I know you must have felt sad, which I never wanted you to, but I couldn't help it. Sorry. Did you hear me when I spoke to you? Did you listen to what I said? Did you feel it when I held your hand? You were cold. You were so weak. It was the first time I was seeing somebody leaving me like that, that too the only grandparent I ever had. I hope it was easy for you ...

The last time I held your hand

You're probably sitting there and smiling at me right now, aren't you? Oh yes, I know you are. I love you Nani. I miss you. And I will always always always remember you. You're deep inside my heart and you know it too! Have fun wherever you are. Please just be happy. We are glad you are past the pain of your sickness now. We are all so glad you're in a better place!

I love you.
We love you.
You are truly dearly sincerely missed!

Love,
Choti Tanki, Sara <3

2 comments:

  1. This breaks my heart. My grandmother, with whom I lived for 7 years, died in 1996 and I was living on the other side of the continent, she on the west coast and I on the east. I also miss her very much. Thank God my mother was able to be there. I'm glad you could be with your Nani and you have such wonderful memories of her. :-)

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    Replies
    1. I miss her so much <3 she was such a great person! We couldn't be there when she passed away because we were on a flight but we met her right before thank God!
      Mama still feels sad she couldn't be there for the funeral ...
      I can't get the memory of her last days to leave me. It was so sad ...

      Sorry you couldn't be there when your grandma passed away. Let's hope our grandmas are happy and content wherever they are today :)

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