To All The Meanies I've Hated Before

This is for all those self obsessed, rude, uncivil, ill mannered dolts who suffer from superiority complexes. They think they're the best because they're on top of the world and living their finest hour. And they think it'll last forever. I'm talking about every single human being who has ever been mean to me whether they knew me well or were absolute strangers. I'm talking about all the meanies and the bullies out there who made the world seem like a horrible place to live in. I'm talking about every single person who made me doubt myself, feel bad, or discount my talents and abilities. Well boohoo meanies, because guess what? I'm finally completely and absolutely over you.

It all began because I was the nice kid who was grounded and down to earth. Back then it was all about being the 'baby' who didn't get permission to go out too much. But it was all done in good humor so it didn't bother much. Then it switched to the typical fat shaming because I was an overweight girl throughout my early teens. Even back then the bullying I faced wasn't as humiliating or upsetting as what came my way in college. Back then my weight was the subject of many jokes but I still had friends who liked me in all my fat glory. When I moved to the US and started college I just couldn't understand what happened. I met people who wanted to pretend I was just part of the passing wind. A lone standing fire hydrant had more of an existence than I did. I'd be standing at an arm's distance from people, talking to them, and they would pretend I wasn't there. I just didn't know what had hit me. These people didn't even know who I was. They just chose to be mean the instant they first set their eyes on me. How did that even happen?

There were two kinds of people I was dealing with. The first kind was the ones who were part of the Desi community here in the US. I'd often come in contact with them off campus too in joint social events. Their mothers were mingling with my mama in the public social setting and I was often required to forcefully mingle with them. For almost two years I tried to make sense out of these absolute nut cases. At home I was told I wasn't trying hard enough to make friends ever since I'd moved to the US because I was still stuck on the people I'd left behind in Pakistan when we'd moved. It wasn't true but my arguments were all in vain. The second kind of meanies I met - the harmless ones - were the non Desi variety. These were simply people who were racist and me being a Desi in the US bothered them. To me, their opinions didn't matter.

I remember the sense of despair I felt in my stomach when I realized my friends back in Pakistan had started ditching me just because we were distances apart now. I had moved away and they'd decided to put me out of sight like an old good book left to collect dust on an ignored shelf. I'd been a great friend and I am sure of it, yet they'd chosen to leave me. And here were the new people who befuddled me with their harsh attitude. I remember feeling so alone like the world was strangely empty and the emptiness was pressing against my skin. I remember trying so hard. It lasted for almost two years during which the high achieving student who was praised throughout her life and whom people loved was reduced to a worthless nobody who was trying to desperately make friends.

It was bad, to say the least. I wanted to walk away but the only reason I even put up with these meanies was because of the mingling in the social settings outside college which included our families. By the end of the second year though, I was done. I officially had no friends and was being humiliated at every possible chance people got. I was lonely. I felt like the fallen leaves of the Autumn season which had once been alive until they'd shriveled up, died, and fallen to the floor where people found fun and comfort in crushing them under their feet just to hear the sound they'd make. That's when I walked away. One day I just stopped caring. I stopped depriving myself of feeling how I felt. That day I let myself feel the hurt, the humiliation, the torture and I decided to free myself from it by walking away. I never looked back. I never tried again, not even in the so called social gatherings where I still had to see these people. I wanted to live happy and to do so I never mingled with the meanies again.

The first few months I felt odd and often doubted my decision to stay aloof and quit trying to create a circle of friends round me. Then gradually I realized it was one of the best decisions of my life. I was happier and it was much more easier to get through the day somehow. I was alone but never lonely for to me my own company was enough. I was sufficient for myself and it felt good. It took me years of practice to fully extricate myself from those terrible feelings I'd feel each time a meanie said something mean to me. Painful years, during which I often struggled with self esteem issues, which I had never suffered before in life. But I did it and today I'm writing this post to let all of those meanies know how insignificant they are to me in my life on this earth.

To all the meanies I've hated before, I'm writing to tell you that after years of practice I've finally mastered the art of not letting you get on my nerves. In fact, I may now be completely indifferent to your existence - except of course the occasional need to scowl and show my disgust at you. No longer will I say hello to receive a blank stare or rolling eyes from you in return. No longer will I try to run after you or please you. No longer will I let your remarks about my appearance affect me. No longer will I be moved by your show of disappointment in me. No longer will I try to explain myself. I am done. I am done explaining, pleasing, and reciprocating kindness for your harshness. I am done chasing friends.

This year, I think I can finally say for sure that I've completely shut out all of you meanies from my life. I have a new connection with my own self, something I've been working on since the past many years now. I am sacred to myself. I am enough for myself. I know who I am and how I am and I will never let you define me on your own terms. From now on I am done trying and I'll only go where I'm wanted. From now on I will live in the moment, for myself. From now on I officially declare all of you completely, absolutely, totally, entirely, wholly, and perfectly irrelevant.

To all the meanies I've hated before,
I love myself and you better learn to deal with it.
XoXo

This entry is part of the 'I Love Myself' Series. The 'I Love Myself' series are a guide to loving myself. I'll be writing about the steps I took to fall in love with myself and how it has shaped me into the awesomeness I am today! Just a word of warning: There will be lots of self-love, self-praise, and mention of awesomeness. Haters are not welcome, thank you very much!